a man and a woman sit at a two top of mine one night. i greet them and they tell me they need some time to look over the menu. i give them a few minutes and go back…they still need more time. fine. few minutes later i go back. The woman has decided…after staring at the menu for like 15 minutes…that she is just going to have some vegetables. Really?? It took you that long to decide on vegetables. moron. i then turn to the man who folds up his menu and looks up at me all happy-like. he says…”I’ll have Le Sur Peas with some fried chicken.” i look at him like WTF?? WTF are Le Sur Peas first of all….he tells me they are English peas. I say, “well, we don’t have peas on the menu and we don’t have fried chicken either.” He looks at me like i just shit on his dog or something. Why are you so stupid to come out and stare at a menu and then try to order what we DON’T have?!?!? WTF is wrong with people?? STAY HOME YOU RETARD!!!

I once took a credit card from a young woman at a table with 2 other men. Before I could even flinch as to move away from this table of 3 personas, one of the men shouted at me,
“Hey ,don’t you dare take her card!!”
Sorry, I replied, she gave it up first, I don’t have time to sit and wait for you guys to argue and dissect who has the biggest ego at the table, so I’m going to run her card and then I’ll bring it back and she can sign it and you all can continue on with your evening.
Not 30 seconds later, after I swiped the woman’s card, the man who had yelled at me just a minute prior decided he needed a little one on one time with me. The gentlemen of discussion, ran to me almost out of breath, but not entirely, unfortunately for me.
“You can’t take her card, bro! That’s not right!!”
Excuse me?? I replied.
“Look, I don’t know what country you’re from… but, this is America and I’m from America!! And in America, the man pays for the bill! Always! The woman never pays the bill. She cannot.
At this time, I had to pause and wait and see if this guy really knew what he just said….
Obviously, my perfect english and blond hair and blue eyes obviously made his assume I was nigerian, perhaps?
After I swiped his finger off of my chest, that was poking a hole in my sternum, I contemplated hitting him upside the head with the water pitcher near my right hand. Instead I got my rebuttal with my words.
Actually, I’m from Chicago. I’m pretty sure…yeah…pretty sure last time I checked, that Chicago, which is a city in Illinois, it’s in the midwest next to these places named Iowa, Michigan, Wisconsin, you may have heard of them, I’m not sure where YOU’RE exactly from. Anyway actually, funny story, in this place that some refer to as ‘Chicago’…the women can pay for the bill too! Wow! I know, crazy story, right!?? Who would have thought it possible. But, it’s true. Now listen, here’s the deal. I’m going to give your friend her card back and you’re going to step away right now or I’ll have security take you outside or if you’d like we can settle this right now, if you really have a problem with me and you’d like to take this further….
Suffice to say, he declined my offer of a more intimate conversation. He obviously had a few brain cells firing to understand sarcasm. Maybe. Maybe not.
i normally wouldn’t be such an all out sarcastic A-hole to a customer, but his idiocy just made it necessary.

To all you assholes who either A- tip poorly or B- don’t tip at all..here is some advice: Go F*CK yourself, learn some damn manners and if you have a problem with that, then go to the fricken food court. F*ck you very much.

Why is it that I can use a can of pineapple juice to make a busser do anything I want. For a can of pineapple juice a busser would pour drinks for me all night, clean puke off the bar, and give me a ride home on his shoulders. Servers are a little more expensive. They will do anything for a red bull. #Makesnosense

I thought it would be a good idea to tell this hot girl from work that “I’m in lesbians with her”. A line from Scott Pilgrim vs the World. Turns out she is a lesbian and thinks that movie is stupid. Fuck me

I work at a restaurant that is very strict about drinking, but we like to bend the rules and sneak booze in on the weekends. I brought some vodka in a water bottle thinking I was a genius and no one would ever know. Did I say worked at a restaurant? I meant used to work at a restaurant. My boss tried something super spicy in the kitchen and needed something to wet the old whistle, which happened to be the water bottle filled with vodka in my hand.

I’m a new server at my restaurant. The bartenders called me over to try the ‘new’ punch. Me not being very bright and not realizing that we don’t have punch on the menu, I agreed. It was all the liquor from the bar mats in a glass. I threw up on my pants and got sent home.

This guy comes in twice a week in a Porsche hat, will only order sodas from bussers, uses our wi-fi, and has never tipped me a dollar or said a word to me. For some reason he also wrote a Yelp review about how I’m a bad server. I wish I could Yelp about him being a 5 star douchebag.

Last night I punched a guy in the face while bartending, He was one of the other bartenders, and my roommate..

While serving today my extensions fell out.. On the owners food